


the one with the faith

by LiliaFax



Category: Caduceus | Trauma Center Series
Genre: Abandonment Issues, Babies, F/M, Gen, but not born babies, unborn babies
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-03-18
Updated: 2013-03-18
Packaged: 2017-12-05 16:34:26
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,985
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/725455
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LiliaFax/pseuds/LiliaFax
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>She did not want children. Maria Torres did not want children. Maybe the thought of having her own child was like a strike to her senses and maybe she liked holding another smaller human being, as they were a precious vessel for the continued world. But she just couldn't be a mother, she couldn't have children. It was basically impossible, not physically but in every other way that mattered.</p>
            </blockquote>





	the one with the faith

**Author's Note:**

> I don't really have anything to say about this other than that I hope you enjoy, even if you don't sail this ship. I did look into Maria's circumstances and I might want to explore that more later. We'll see.
> 
> ALSO  
> dedicated to Chi, because she's the Javert to my Valjean and it's her birthday <3

She did not want children. Maria Torres did not want children. Maybe the thought of having her own child was like a strike to her senses and maybe she liked holding another smaller human being, as they were a precious vessel for the continued world. But she just couldn't be a mother, she couldn't have children. It was basically impossible, not physically but in every other way that mattered.

_The instrument trembled in her hand, her fingers growing slick with nervousness and panic that clumped up hard in her throat and made it hard to swallow._

_Is this what she felt? Is this what her mother felt?_

 

Her mind was magnesium, ready to catch and ignite and flare. Her heart was calcium, stuck in her still moving chest, chalk-stiff and painful with every beat. She didn't know what to do, but she felt in her soul that she still wanted this. But all she remembered from those early nights of life, smoke-filled and a woman with a voice like caramelized sugar, her mother working hard, too hard in a world that that was constantly judging, always judging. She had wrapped her child in the only comforts she had, shielded her from having to experience the lash of eyes like whips.

 

Then a small, whispered good-bye and the end. Maria couldn't wish that on anyone, ever.

 

She held herself, memories seeping into her mind, liquid through her cells, of that all-consuming aloneness. She was scared, so scared.

 

_"You have to talk, Maria. You have to tell him yourself and on your own terms because if he finds out through someone else it's not going to be good for either of you."_

_"I know, I know. It's just, I know he has issues with being a parent; he's talked about it before. Not a lot, but I always assumed he would never want children and now..."_

_"Oh, Maria. It will be okay, don't worry."_

_“But what if it’s not, Tomoe? What if I fuck it up so bad that he gets all fucked up again? We all worked so hard to help him be better, what if this sends him over the edge again?”_

_“Maria, calm down. If he does that, well then, I guess he’s not a very good boyfriend, is he?”_

She didn't do anything remarkable or fancy that night. He was scheduled to be home, so they already had plans to get some dinner and watch movies off Netflix, maybe end with something else more intimate. It was their routine for date nights, simple, sweet and effective in keeping themselves open and together. She opened the door, still slick with adrenaline and the precarious grip of gasping death-breath. He was home, at the kitchen table with a packet of papers in hand and a mug near by.

 

"Hey," she told him, sliding into the chair opposite. He flickered his eyes up to hers. He looked bright and healthy for once, blood pulsing under those translucent cheeks which used to be nearly ashen snow for cold. She couldn't stand it, when she visited him still imprisoned and he looked like walking dead and deep shadows. Now in the light, he glimmered and shone like new pennies. He was curious, isolated still in a sense from a world that went on for nearly 17 years without him, but she was there to guide him, all of them, those 6 of them who were together in the outbreak, they all helped each other and reaclimating Erhard was a major goal of theirs.

 

She coughed and pulled the chair out opposite him, wincing at the scrape it made on the floor. It felt awkward, everything felt awkward. He raised an eyebrow.

 

“D’you want to try going out tonight?”

 

Erhard shrugged. “I don’t know. I went out yesterday with Gabe. It went better than expected.”

 

“No panic attack? That’s really great,” Maria said happily.

 

“Yes. But what do you want to do?” He asked, looking straight at her.

 

Maria swallowed. It would be best for him to be home when she dropped the news, she thought to herself. That way he wasn’t potentially triggering his agoraphobia on top of anything else. “I think we should order pizza and watch Netflix today. That sounds fun.”

 

Erhard nodded and stood up to set his mug in the sink. Maria left to set up the Netflix, he would get the pizza menu while he was out in the kitchen. Her fingers shook a bit as she flicked to the correct input on the television, god damn it, why was she so nervous. She had pep-talked herself while riding home, while working today, at lunch, yelling at coworkers, everything. And still she felt as though she was balancing on the edge of a very deep building and every turn of his head tonight, every side comment was a gust of wind ready to pull her off like so many feathers.

 

“Maria.”

 

Erhard’s voice was always clear crispness. She didn’t look to him but caught him coming in the peripherals of her vision.

 

“Maria, I know something is wrong. You have been acting strange for a while now, please tell me what’s wrong.” His fingers were strangely warm on her skin, so different from before, but so comforting. She looked up into his face and his eyes practically glittered with concern. She opened her mouth but nothing came, she was speaking through foil.

 

Maria took a deep breath and shuddered out her anxieties. She had to tell now, he could tell something was wrong. Damn, she should have known he would realize, he was always the perceptive one.

 

“Erhard, I’m not sure how to,” her voice caught and she had take a deep breath again. “I’m not sure how to say this but I don’t want you to freak out. It’s not the end of the world, okay, I know that but I just don’t know if we can handle it. Not that I’m making any judgments on you, except I totally am, but I don’t mean to.”

 

She tried to judge his expression but he just looked more concerned.

 

“Ha ha, look at me babbling like I’m stupid or something. What I’m trying to say is, fuck how do I say this, well, we’re gonna have a baby.”

 

His breath stopped suddenly hitching in.

 

“What, are you sure?” She couldn’t tell his thoughts, he was flat at the news. Aside from the sharp intake of breath he hadn’t reacted.

 

“I’m positive. I wouldn’t make this up,” she bit her lip. “Hey, hey, Erhard, you okay?”

 

He took in a sharp, shuddery breath. His eyelashes cast long feather shadows on his cheeks but they seemed to be quivering, shaking, as he tried to gather himself. “I’m fine.”

 

Maria took his hand.

 

“No, you’re not. You’re freaking out and that sucks. So tell me what the problem is and I’ll try to help. I don’t know what to do about this either but we have options, we just have to talk,” she spoke quickly, the words spilling out like water on rocks.

 

His voice was smoke soft when he finally did speak. “…I’m sorry. I’m sorry I made this happen to you. You didn’t deserve this.”

 

“What? What on earth are you talking about?” She couldn’t follow what he was saying, this wasn’t anything like what she thought he would say. But when he looked in her eyes, the pain that was etched into his very fibers was so apparent that she knew. She wrapped him up in her arms.

 

“Hey, it’s okay, it’s fine, I’m fine, nothing’s gonna go wrong here,” she murmured into his hair, petting aimlessly.

 

He was warm on her shoulder and the weight of him was reassuring in ways she couldn’t quite explain.

 

“No, you don’t deserve to be tied to me like that. I’ve messed up in the past, Maria, I can’t bring… I can’t force… I can’t make a child live in this world. I’ll mess that up too, I’m sure of it.” He sounded resigned and that broke Maria’s heart into little pieces. She tried to smile for him, but she knew what he was feeling. She was feeling the same.

 

“Look, I’m scared too. My mom left me, you know, and I never had anyone to learn how to be a mother from. But, hey look at me,” she said and tilted his chin toward her, noticing how he turned away with a far off look growing in his eyes, “you are nothing like what your birth family was. I know it. You’re kind, you’re sensitive, you care so much for everyone. You’ll be a great father. If you want to be, of course, I’m not forcing you, but I believe in you.”

 

His lips twitched a little. “I… I don’t see what you see but. Maria, I love you so much. You will be a wonderful mother. I know what Rose said about you, I remember it so well. She loved you, you were her hero. If you are anything like you were to her, your child will be the luckiest child in the world.”

 

She lightly punched his arm. “Hey, it’s your kid too. And I bet you were a great brother for Rose.”

 

“I hope so. She deserved so much more than I could ever give her, but I tried.” His lips threatened to break into an actual smile.

 

“Erhard, oh my god, I know she loved you and your kid will love you too. C’mon.”

 

“Maria, I think you’re overestimating my abilities here. You’re the one who will do best with this,” he pauses for a minute and Maria jumps in.

 

“Your birth parents were assholes, okay? You can love, I don’t know why you’re still hung up on it that, but you can love and you damn well do. You wouldn’t be a doctor if you didn’t. Now, stop being all self-deprecating, that ain’t sexy.”

 

She taps his nose and he shakes his head to get her away. “I never said I wanted to be sexy.” He finally smiled at her, a wonderful wrinkling of his skin as it stretched into the form it was so unused to. “I really do love you. You are wonderful, I don’t deserve you. I don’t see what you see in me, I don’t think I ever will.”

 

She wanted to laugh and did, a quick and airy sort of bark that doesn’t sound nearly as relieved as she was starting to feel. “Look at us, now we’re just telling each other how great we are. Ha, I don’t see what you do either but, maybe we’ll be able to deal with this. Together.”

 

His laugh echoed hers. “Maria, you know how you are with teamwork.”

 

“Well, I think we used a bit of ‘teamwork’ to get into this mess, it’s gonna need teamwork to get out.”

 

A blush started to creep onto his cheeks, he still got a little mortified when thinking about his own sexual desires, but the relief in his eyes was so clear and strong.

 

He leaned in to kiss her, catching her lips just as she was about to speak again.

 

“I’m willing to try,” he said, pulling away. She drags him off the kitchen chair and pulls him into a whirling hug.

 

They were going to do this.

 

Together.

 

_“Well, well, you got yourself busy kid. I’m proud of you.”_

_“Gabe! That’s not appropriate!”_

_“Ah, calm down, Tomoe, I’m just having fun. But no, Maria, kid, I am really proud of you. Just don’t fuck it up like I did. Not that you will. You’re already braver than me.”_

_“I know. Thank you, Gabriel. I know.”_

_“Yeah. Although, Gabe, if you make one more stupid comment about my sex life I’m gonna rip off your dick faster than you can take a puff of your dumbass cigarette.”_

_“Wow, harsh.”_


End file.
